he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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