Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
How's work?
Spinning.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
