Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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