why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
