cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
