We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
