I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize