Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
