I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
