Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
