Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
