I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
