In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize