I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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