i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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