My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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