I just threw up on my dentist
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
