Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
