Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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