He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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