I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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