Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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