we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
