I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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