Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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