They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
