he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
