he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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