i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
