i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
