I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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