when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
