it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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