So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
