Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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