conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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