i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
