Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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