fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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