I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
