The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
