I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
