My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
