The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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