Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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