There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
