im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
