I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
