If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
