seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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