wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
