You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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