my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
