Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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