Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
