If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
