??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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