I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
