Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
