I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
