I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
