Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
